


this unfinished dream of mine

by kyasuu



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Gen, Old Age, This can be read as gen, female ritsuka by the way, in which merlin has emotions and is not prepared to get decked where it hurts, this one is very sad don't ask me why i wrote it, thus why i tagged it as such
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 11:43:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21355729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyasuu/pseuds/kyasuu
Summary: “I can make it painless for you,” says Merlin.Merlin, Ritsuka, and the end.
Relationships: implied Fujimaru Ritsuka/Mash Kyrielight | Shielder, one-sided Fujimaru Ritsuka/Merlin | Caster
Comments: 6
Kudos: 80





	this unfinished dream of mine

**Author's Note:**

> title is from [Bamboo Leaf Boat by Hanatan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai1LwRFOKpg)

“I can make it painless for you,” says Merlin. His hand runs through Ritsuka’s hair gently, the strands slipping through his fingers. Her head rests in his lap, fiery orange hair a sharp, colorful contrast against the black and white of his clothes.

“Mm, thank you.” Ritsuka’s hand reaches towards him blindly, and his own reaches out, brushing against her fingertips. Her fingers clutch his wrist loosely, so pathetic and so fragile, yet even now Merlin can’t call her weak. She’s never been weak, a flaming presence in the colorless, dull world around him. Even though he views the world in its entirety, nothing has drawn him like the woman whose side he has chosen to stay at through the end of the world and after. “It’s alright, though. Just stay here. That’s enough.”

“If that’s what you want.” Merlin takes the hand around his wrist. It’s calloused and rough from years of abuse and not at all delicate, and he brings them to his cheek, leaning against it gently. “I will be here.” Even if she hadn’t asked him of it, he would stay here.

“Thank you.” Ritsuka sighs, and Merlin’s eyes fall to her face. Even though it’s grown wrinkled with laughter and frowns and tears in equal measure, even though there are scars marring her skin, Merlin still thinks she’s beautiful. It isn’t the same beauty the Lady of the Lake possessed, but one just as potent in its own right. She’s human, after all; she will age and change with it.

It’s been fifty years, plenty of time to change, and Merlin has remained at her side.

“You’ll be lonely, won’t you?” Ritsuka asks. She sounds sad. After so much time with her, Merlin has learned to truly understand human emotion, especially hers. Her gold eyes are full of sympathy, but not pity.

“It’ll be nothing new,” Merlin responds, but he can feel the crushing weight of his own words. Belatedly, he realizes he doesn’t want to go back to that--the emptiness of his tower, watching the world pass him.

Once upon a time, that had been enough to sustain him. Ritsuka Fujimaru has ruined him; he’s become greedy.

There’s an unfamiliar burn in his eyes. The world is blurry, and when something liquid falls to Ritsuka’s face, he realizes they’re tears.

Gentle fingers brush against his eye. “I’m sorry,” says Ritsuka simply. “I didn’t want to leave you, either.”

“Well, this isn’t quite the visage I thought I’d send you off with,” Merlin laughs, but his voice is wet. Speaking is like forcing the words through a dry throat and thick tongue. “A smile would be better, no?”

“Only if you’re feeling it.” Ritsuka smiles at him. “You’ve left Avalon, Merlin. You don’t need to go back, you know? You can find someone else.”

“There’s no one quite like you, Ritsuka,” Merlin replies with a watery chuckle. “I’m afraid my expectations have been set too high.”

“You flatter me!” Ritsuka giggles at that, and for a moment she sounds like she’s eighteen years old again, young and wide-eyed and determined. Her expression sobers up a little when her laughter dies down, and she looks up into Merlin’s eyes. “Please don’t mourn me for too long, Merlin. Don’t let me get in the way of your happiness.”

Merlin remains silent, only pressing her palm to his cheek.  _ But my happiness has always been tied to you, _ he wants to say. He has never been capable of feeling human emotions, not until his adventures with Ritsuka. Losing that little spark of humanity is not something he’s prepared for.

“Consider it my last order as your Master, then,” Ritsuka says after a moment of silence. Her Command Seals have long since faded since the disbanding of Chaldea, since Mash Kyrielight passed, since her Servants had vanished, one by one until nobody but Merlin remained. Merlin has never truly been her Servant, only playing at it, and yet he has remained here the longest of them all. “In my memory, have a good life.”

“You’ve always liked making unreasonable demands of me, haven’t you?” Merlin’s lips pull upward in some form of a smile. “Very well, Master. I’ll carry out your final command to the best of my ability.”

Ritsuka’s smile, warm like the sunshine, makes it worth it. It touches something inside Merlin and just temporarily soothes the ache of loss.

“Do you think I’ll see Mash again?” she asks, sleepily.

“You’ll always find each other. I believe in that much.”

“That’s good… I missed her so much.”

“I’m sure she’s been missing you, too.”

“Mm…”

Silence settles over them, and Merlin carefully rests Ritsuka’s hand back over her stomach, only holding her and making sure she’s comfortable.

“Thank you,” Ritsuka says, suddenly. Her eyes are closed as she settles against Merlin’s legs. “For being by my side for all these years. For watching over me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.”

Merlin swallows. He has always done it for selfish reasons, for wanting to stay by her side because she makes him  _ feel _ like a human. “It has been nothing but a pleasure.”

Ritsuka falls silent again. Merlin counts her every breath, every beat of her weakening heart.

“Hey, Merlin?” Her voice is distant, weak.

“Yes, Ritsuka?”

“Are you still there?”

“For you, always.”

“That’s good.” Ritsuka lets out a sigh. “That’s… good…”

Silence reigns over them again. This time, Merlin knows it’s for good.

He closes his eyes. His shoulders are shaking, and something inside him hurts furiously. He wants it to stop. He wants Ritsuka to come back. He… 

“Thank you,” he whispers.

Merlin tilts his head up to look at the blue sky, the beautiful world Ritsuka had devoted her life to protecting, and hopes that even where he can’t see her, she’s happy, as bright and fiery and vibrant as she was in life.

**Author's Note:**

> come bother me on twitter @[kyaasuu](http://twitter.com/kyaasuu)


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